I don't usually like online games. Don't get me wrong, I tried to get
into World of Warcraft for a couple
of months, if only because all of my friends, including the non-gamers, seemed to
be playing it. I played more than my share of the various Halos on Xbox Live back in the day, and I finished Destiny's story missions without ever
interacting with another player. Part of what drove me away, what
continues to keep me away, is the general toxicity of online culture (upon
which subject a trillion words have been written by a million people, and I don't
have anything new to add). The more important reason I find online games mostly skippable: the
lack of a compelling story and/or my inability to become immersed in a story
when there are a hundred people wandering around my screen with names like
"NinjaBeaver69" and "FartSandwich" floating over their
heads.
Many times over the past decade, I've been actively
unhappy when a game is announced—DCU
Online, Marvel Heroes, The Secret World, The Old Republic—because I get excited about the core concept, but then they're like, "Online only!" which squelches my interest almost as quickly as "From the creators of X-Men Destiny!" or "Now with added Richard Spencer!" The fact that I don't get Knights of the Old Republic 3 because
online games produce more revenue would be grounds for some kind of lawsuit if this was a just world. DCU Online faced an
uphill battle with me, is what I'm saying, and I'm sorry to report that we barely got
past the character creation stage.
I was putzing around in the
Playstation Store last week, looking for interesting demos, and the fifth or
sixth time DCU Online waggled its
spandex-clad butt in my face to remind me that it's free to play, I thought,
"Why not?"
And so began what seemed to be about
twelve hours, when taken as a whole, from beginning to download what turned out
to be the first chunk of software, to the point where the game became
functional. Not the best start to an experience I was already ambivalent about.
When the game finally starts, you're
presented with the above six minute movie that also served as the game's first
major trailer. Lex Luthor did something to Superman, so Superman had to go into
space to recharge his solar cells, I guess, at which point everything on Earth
seems to have degenerated to Mad Max in about five minutes.
Most of the movie is Road Warrior-ized
versions of superheroes and supervillains slugging it out in a
ruined city. By the end, most of the heroes—including Superman—are dead, and
Lex has, like, five seconds to revel in his victory before an enormous
spaceship descends from orbit so Brainiac can step out, stroking a figurative
white cat, and say, "Just as I planned."
Cut to: the past! Battle-Damaged
Future Lex explains the situation to Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman before
pushing a button and releasing the super-power bestowing robo-bugs he stole
from Future Brainiac into the populace. Brainiac is still coming, you see, and
Earth needs an edge. And there's your explanation for why everyone you
encounter will have superpowers!
That movie is probably the best
thing about DC Universe Online. It
looks pretty nice, and it has action and drama and a bunch of DC characters
wearing body armor over their costumes. Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill play
Batman and the Joker, which is always a good thing, and as far as I can tell,
Future Lex kills Superman by stuffing Wonder Woman's corpse with kryptonite,
which is so silly it might just be my new favorite thing to ever happen in the
DCU.
Character creation is probably as
good as it can be, all things considered. You build your character from the
ground up, choosing things as basic as sex, body type, and hero or villain, all
the way up to your power type, fighting style, and who your mentor
is. Oh, and you have to design your costume. It sounds like a lot, but it
mostly comes down to sets of three: do you want to get around by flying,
somersaulting, or running at super speed? Do you want to be mentored by
Superman, Wonder Woman, or Batman? There are a bunch of base powers to choose
from—fire, ice, magic, mental, gadget, etc.—but it can be boiled down to
defense, healing, or control. The most flexibility you're afforded is in the
creation of your costume, and even that's rigid enough that it's got to be
spitting out scores of people who all look and move and play near-identically.
I created a man in a suit, tie, and
top hat, pitch black from head to toe, excluding his white tie and his glowing
red eyes. I made him a flier for ease of use, gave him mental powers because
who cares, made him a martial artist because of course I did, and made Batman
his mentor, because, although I think this should go without saying, he's
Batman.
Then all I needed was a name! Should
be easy, right?
"The Dapper Man"—unacceptable
for some reason.
"Dapper Man"—taken.
"The Suit"—taken.
"The Victorian"—taken.
"The Victorian Adventurer"—too
long.
"The Victorian Advent"—taken.
"Top Hat"—taken.
"Bi Curious"—taken.
"Dr Brainraper"—I was
testing you, DCU Online, and you
passed.
"Punch Face Man"—this is
when I figured out they don't like three-word names.
"Butt"—taken.
"The Wiggler"—taken.
And then, just as I was getting
ready to smash my PS3 against the wall and hang myself with the controller cord,
I happened upon a name that was neither taken, nor violated any rules. Want to
guess?
"Joe Biden." Former vice
president of the United States "Joe" frigging "Biden".
And
it didn't even give me a chance to say, "I was being silly! Of course I
don't want to name my superhero Joe Biden. Joe Biden doesn't want to name his superhero Joe Biden, if for not other reason than it would blow his secret identity."
No,
it simply launched me into the tutorial. I've been kidnapped by Brainiac
because of my superpowers or something! Oracle's talking to me via an earpiece
I just happened to already have! I've got to escape by flying through a series
of mostly empty rooms and fighting a series of extremely similar robots!
I
didn't last long. I made it to the part where a hole in the floor was spitting
out enemy types that were invulnerable unless you hit them with certain types
of attack, and there was a counter on the screen suggesting that it wasn't
going to let me pass until I killed a certain number of each type of enemy, and
I was like, "Oh, hey, chores!" before deleting DCU Online and going to bed.
The
gameplay wasn't particularly fluid or attractive, nor was it much fun, but it
took that "Kill this number of this enemy type" hokum to remind me that I'd set myself a fool's
errand. I was never going to enjoy DCU
Online, not really. The mediocre experience of the tutorial was only going to
deteriorate when other people got involved. It might not even be the game's
fault. It just isn't my thing.
Given
that fact, it would be unfair to say that I don't recommend DC Universe Online. What I'd suggest is
that you look over what I said about online games, see how you feel about it, and if
it resonates, take it as a sign that you probably shouldn't waste your time.
And
now that I've calmed down, I've come to a realization: Joe Biden might actually want to name his superhero
"Joe Biden." But now he can't. Which is just another strike again DC Universe Online.
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